My name is Rachel and I have a confession to make. I want more than anything to be swept up in an adventure. I want a job that I am so passionate about, I am willing to risk everything to keep it. I want someone to care for that looks at me like no one else could even imagine. I want someone to always have my back even when I make a stupid decision. I want to have to question what's right every now and then so that I know the limits of my own character. I want excitement.
My reality is not enough for me. I have no life. I spend my nights alone. I go to sleep, wake up, and go to work, come home, go for a walk, watch tv, go to sleep. I am in a rutt. I am at a job I am growing to hate. I am alone.
I have recently caught up on White Collar (if you don't watch it you really should, the writing is fantastic and the characters are amazing) and the thing that really struck me this time, was the fact there are things we should be willing to lose everything to protect. For Neal it was love and freedom, for Peter it's Neal and Elle. It's different for everyone I suppose. I would do anything for my parents but it has never come to that. I have never had to make an actual decision of value. I suppose ultimately that is why I love to write. I am able to write characters I wish I could be and hope if the opportunity ever arises I will be, but now that may be taken away from me.
So, decision time. Do I stay with the safety net, earn a paycheck dealing with a boss I am pretty sure would put Al Capone to shame and losing faith in all humanity? Or do I take a risk and leave and pursue writing which is a poor profession and have no guarantee? Is it worth losing the rights to anything I write to have a steady paycheck? I hate my job don't get me wrong, but it's safe. I've already been told there is no replacement for me. But I may have to give up writing to stay.
It's times like these I really wish I had a special someone who could talk me through my options, but in reality if something were to happen to me (kidnapped, murdered, etc) no one would even know for several days and even then it would only be if my boss worried I didn't show up to work.
I kind of feel like Neal. I would give anything to have what my parents have. I have looked, he's not out there. I need a change. A move. Something.
So, yes, my name is Rachel and I do have a confession. I want my life to mean something. I want to matter to someone whether its through my books, or through my actions, or through my love, I want someone I'd die for, quit for, and protect with everything I value. Maybe one day. Until then...anyone hiring?
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Sometimes We Are Right Where We Need to Be
Ken Mattingly. This is a name you should all know. If you don't you should really look him up (not on Wikipedia). He may not be the most famous person in the world, or be remembered the way he should be, but he is a man we can all relate to.
Apollo 11 was an amazing success. Man walked on the moon. We beat Russia and American pride caught like wildfire. The nation was glued to the television as history was made. Walter Kronkite teared up as Armstrong lept out of the LEM and into the history books. It was a moment to make any blue blooded American shout for joy. From the that moment on anything was possible. There were no longer limitations. kids everywhere dreamed of outerspace.
Then Jim Lovell was called up to command Apollo 13. Unlucky 13. If only they had know just how true that superstition was going to prove. Three men were about to have their dreams come true: Jim Lovell, Fred Haise, and Ken Mattingly. They knew each other inside and out and their thoughts were in sync, but then one dream would be crushed. With lift off quickly approaching Ken Mattingly (an experienced pilot) was grounded and replaced by Jack Swaggert. After years of preparation and weeks of training he would not join his crew on their quest to the moon. With the space programs future unsure, Mattingly thought he had lost his only chance to see the moon.
How crushed he must have felt. His dreams were unraveling and it seemed so unfair. And yet the world didn't stop. No one came to hold his hand as he cried it out. The mission continued and he was left to watch with the world from his living room.
How many times have we had our dreams so close we could touch them? Believed we earned them? And then watched as they slipped away not necessarily by any fault of our own, just circumstances? How have we handled it? I've never really had my dreams crash before...that is until recently. I wanted to graduate top of my high school class. I worked my butt off and I graduated 5th out of almost 300. I wanted to get into the University of Georgia. Bam, accepted with early admission and on my birthday none the less. I have always worked hard and gotten what I "deserved." And then that first letter arrived saying no. An opportunity of a life time and I wasn't good enough. I went against 1900 other applicants, a no wasn't a shock, but I hadn't really had that before. Did I do something wrong? No, I worked really hard on my script, but the program didn't want me. So, I will get to watch the success of those were accepted from my computer screen and watch with jealousy as they get assigned into writing rooms, just as Mattingly watched the space craft launch on his mission.
This would be a super depressing story if that is where it ended for poor Mattingly, but as any good piece of history, it gets better. Three days after Apollo 13 left Earth in its rearview mirror there was an explosion taking with it the small crews dreams of touching the moon. More importantly than that however, it also made their return journey virtually impossible. Thousands of technicians, ground control, inventors, scientists, mechanics and astronauts worked around the clock to devise a plan to get the men home safely. Ken Mattingly became essential in the rescue effort. He became key in producing a reentry plan to get them back. Had he been on that ship as planned he would not have been able to save the lives of the men aboard who had become his family. He understood what was needed having trained with them for countless hours and he knew the men in question. He was not the only one responsible for their return, but it is arguable that without him the outcome could have been much different.
Funny how that works, huh? He had it all figured, then he mourned as his dream dissolved in front of him. But God had him right where he was needed, even though Mattingly didn't realize it at first. SO even though my starry dreams of screenwriting were turned down, God has me in this horrid town for some reason. He has me with this company for some reason. I just have to be patient and make the most of my situation. That doesn't mean I am giving up on my dreams, not by a long shot, but it means I am going to try and be more content where I am NOW, because here is where God needs me for some reason He'll make clear when I am needed.
Apollo 11 was an amazing success. Man walked on the moon. We beat Russia and American pride caught like wildfire. The nation was glued to the television as history was made. Walter Kronkite teared up as Armstrong lept out of the LEM and into the history books. It was a moment to make any blue blooded American shout for joy. From the that moment on anything was possible. There were no longer limitations. kids everywhere dreamed of outerspace.
Then Jim Lovell was called up to command Apollo 13. Unlucky 13. If only they had know just how true that superstition was going to prove. Three men were about to have their dreams come true: Jim Lovell, Fred Haise, and Ken Mattingly. They knew each other inside and out and their thoughts were in sync, but then one dream would be crushed. With lift off quickly approaching Ken Mattingly (an experienced pilot) was grounded and replaced by Jack Swaggert. After years of preparation and weeks of training he would not join his crew on their quest to the moon. With the space programs future unsure, Mattingly thought he had lost his only chance to see the moon.
How crushed he must have felt. His dreams were unraveling and it seemed so unfair. And yet the world didn't stop. No one came to hold his hand as he cried it out. The mission continued and he was left to watch with the world from his living room.
How many times have we had our dreams so close we could touch them? Believed we earned them? And then watched as they slipped away not necessarily by any fault of our own, just circumstances? How have we handled it? I've never really had my dreams crash before...that is until recently. I wanted to graduate top of my high school class. I worked my butt off and I graduated 5th out of almost 300. I wanted to get into the University of Georgia. Bam, accepted with early admission and on my birthday none the less. I have always worked hard and gotten what I "deserved." And then that first letter arrived saying no. An opportunity of a life time and I wasn't good enough. I went against 1900 other applicants, a no wasn't a shock, but I hadn't really had that before. Did I do something wrong? No, I worked really hard on my script, but the program didn't want me. So, I will get to watch the success of those were accepted from my computer screen and watch with jealousy as they get assigned into writing rooms, just as Mattingly watched the space craft launch on his mission.
This would be a super depressing story if that is where it ended for poor Mattingly, but as any good piece of history, it gets better. Three days after Apollo 13 left Earth in its rearview mirror there was an explosion taking with it the small crews dreams of touching the moon. More importantly than that however, it also made their return journey virtually impossible. Thousands of technicians, ground control, inventors, scientists, mechanics and astronauts worked around the clock to devise a plan to get the men home safely. Ken Mattingly became essential in the rescue effort. He became key in producing a reentry plan to get them back. Had he been on that ship as planned he would not have been able to save the lives of the men aboard who had become his family. He understood what was needed having trained with them for countless hours and he knew the men in question. He was not the only one responsible for their return, but it is arguable that without him the outcome could have been much different.
Funny how that works, huh? He had it all figured, then he mourned as his dream dissolved in front of him. But God had him right where he was needed, even though Mattingly didn't realize it at first. SO even though my starry dreams of screenwriting were turned down, God has me in this horrid town for some reason. He has me with this company for some reason. I just have to be patient and make the most of my situation. That doesn't mean I am giving up on my dreams, not by a long shot, but it means I am going to try and be more content where I am NOW, because here is where God needs me for some reason He'll make clear when I am needed.
Thursday, June 5, 2014
What is a Manager?
Given the reality of my situation lately the question I have been asked more than I care to admit is this: What kind of Manager are you? Interesting question and not one I really think about too often. I know what kind of manager I want to be, but what kind of manager am I? I have thought really hard about this the last couple of months in particular and have had a hard time figuring out how to approach the question, so I thought I'd start with what a manager is not.
I have had the unfortunate displeasure of working under some real "characters" as managers and I have plenty of material of what kind of manager I don't want to be (especially lately). I think the most important thing I never want to do is take my frustration out on my employees. I know this is hard and isn't as easy as it sounds, but just because your life sucks doesn't mean you take it out on those under you. If the employees are not allowed to do that why should you? I get that there are some really hard decisions that have to made in that position, but making everyone else miserable doesn't make things easier it just makes everyone hate you. I think being a manager is like being a Crew Encourager. You may not always want to be there, you may be miserable at times, and you may not always agree with your crew chief, but you put on a smile and you encourage and lift up your kids so that if you asked them they'd think you were always on cloud 9.
Also, if I do make the unfortunate mistake of wrongly accusing an employee of something, or throwing a temper tantrum like a 5 year old when I didn't get my way I want to be able to apologize for it. I mean a real apology, not an excuse, not a sorry, but...A real apology. I think your character is defined by how you treat others when you are at your wits end and super stressed. That's when you find out what kind of manager you really are, and as I learn I'm sure I'll screw up, but I want to be big enough to make it right, whole heartedly.
The third big thing I DON'T want to be is incompetent and dependent. I don't want to not know how to do something in the store. As a manager you should be able to do everything, not need to, but be able to. I don't want to have to be dependent on others to complete my job. That's sad and it makes your employees lose respect for you.
I get that every manager is different, but I have only been shown positive characteristics by one man and it isn't who I am under now (in case you were wondering). He was a man who didn't yell at you in front of the employees in front of you (especially when it was based on an incorrect assumption and I had done nothing wrong), he never made assumptions based on half facts, and he treated his employees like...gasp...people. As a manager you are afforded a certain respect. It is expected, but anything extra is earned, including, but not limited to trust, loyalty and respect as a person. I want to inspire these things in my employees.
So those are what I don't want, how about some things I do want.
I know you can't be BFFs with your employees there will come a time that will become problematic, but I don't see a problem with having a relationship with them. In the military your commander is that a commander, but you have to have a commdere and respect because you have to trust him in combat. I want to be respected but I want them to feel loyal to me because they know I will have their back. Loyalty is important to me. With loyalty you have trust and if I have trust there is nothing a team can't accomplish.
I also want to be a manager who enjoys my job. I don't want to dread going to work every day. I want to want to interact with our customers, and employees. I want to be visible and work alongside my staff to meet a common goal. I want them to know I am going to work just as hard as they are to meet whatever goals and expectations I have of them. I will be held to the same standard as everyone else. If they need a cashier I will go check someone out. If a Bible needs imprinting I will do it, if I am expecting my keyholders to close once a week so will I. I'm not special and I don't want them to resent me or hate me.
I guess ultimately what I have decided these last 2 months is I don't want to be a manager at all. I don't want to be who the company wants and fit inside their cookie cutter definition of amazing. I want to remain me. I kinda feel like Peeta in the Hunger Games when he tells Katniss that the capitol can make him go to the games, but they can't make him kill. If he's going to die he's going to die as himself. If I'm going to be successful I am going to be so as Rachel. I want to be true to who I am and who I am is not a cookie cutter manager. So what does that mean? I wish I knew. There is no sign saying turn here and live your life here. Wouldn't that be nice? Instead I am here, stuck in a town I hate, in a job I'm growing to hate working under a man I don't trust and all the while trying so hard to stay positive for my staff. You never know, maybe I'll be heading to LA soon to make my dreams come true and do something for me, just once...
I have had the unfortunate displeasure of working under some real "characters" as managers and I have plenty of material of what kind of manager I don't want to be (especially lately). I think the most important thing I never want to do is take my frustration out on my employees. I know this is hard and isn't as easy as it sounds, but just because your life sucks doesn't mean you take it out on those under you. If the employees are not allowed to do that why should you? I get that there are some really hard decisions that have to made in that position, but making everyone else miserable doesn't make things easier it just makes everyone hate you. I think being a manager is like being a Crew Encourager. You may not always want to be there, you may be miserable at times, and you may not always agree with your crew chief, but you put on a smile and you encourage and lift up your kids so that if you asked them they'd think you were always on cloud 9.
Also, if I do make the unfortunate mistake of wrongly accusing an employee of something, or throwing a temper tantrum like a 5 year old when I didn't get my way I want to be able to apologize for it. I mean a real apology, not an excuse, not a sorry, but...A real apology. I think your character is defined by how you treat others when you are at your wits end and super stressed. That's when you find out what kind of manager you really are, and as I learn I'm sure I'll screw up, but I want to be big enough to make it right, whole heartedly.
The third big thing I DON'T want to be is incompetent and dependent. I don't want to not know how to do something in the store. As a manager you should be able to do everything, not need to, but be able to. I don't want to have to be dependent on others to complete my job. That's sad and it makes your employees lose respect for you.
I get that every manager is different, but I have only been shown positive characteristics by one man and it isn't who I am under now (in case you were wondering). He was a man who didn't yell at you in front of the employees in front of you (especially when it was based on an incorrect assumption and I had done nothing wrong), he never made assumptions based on half facts, and he treated his employees like...gasp...people. As a manager you are afforded a certain respect. It is expected, but anything extra is earned, including, but not limited to trust, loyalty and respect as a person. I want to inspire these things in my employees.
So those are what I don't want, how about some things I do want.
I know you can't be BFFs with your employees there will come a time that will become problematic, but I don't see a problem with having a relationship with them. In the military your commander is that a commander, but you have to have a commdere and respect because you have to trust him in combat. I want to be respected but I want them to feel loyal to me because they know I will have their back. Loyalty is important to me. With loyalty you have trust and if I have trust there is nothing a team can't accomplish.
I also want to be a manager who enjoys my job. I don't want to dread going to work every day. I want to want to interact with our customers, and employees. I want to be visible and work alongside my staff to meet a common goal. I want them to know I am going to work just as hard as they are to meet whatever goals and expectations I have of them. I will be held to the same standard as everyone else. If they need a cashier I will go check someone out. If a Bible needs imprinting I will do it, if I am expecting my keyholders to close once a week so will I. I'm not special and I don't want them to resent me or hate me.
I guess ultimately what I have decided these last 2 months is I don't want to be a manager at all. I don't want to be who the company wants and fit inside their cookie cutter definition of amazing. I want to remain me. I kinda feel like Peeta in the Hunger Games when he tells Katniss that the capitol can make him go to the games, but they can't make him kill. If he's going to die he's going to die as himself. If I'm going to be successful I am going to be so as Rachel. I want to be true to who I am and who I am is not a cookie cutter manager. So what does that mean? I wish I knew. There is no sign saying turn here and live your life here. Wouldn't that be nice? Instead I am here, stuck in a town I hate, in a job I'm growing to hate working under a man I don't trust and all the while trying so hard to stay positive for my staff. You never know, maybe I'll be heading to LA soon to make my dreams come true and do something for me, just once...
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Home
There is one question in particular that every military brat HATES to be asked. I understand no one likes those terrible "ice breaker" questions, but the worst has to be "where are you from." All together now, sigh. This is never an easy question, at least not one you can answer without explanation. It always starts with "I was born in..." and "I just moved here from ". It's so much fun.
As a military kid Home is a weird four letter word. Most kids have friends who they grew up with, have lived in the same house most of their lives, and have a very small tight circle of friends. These ideas are foreign to us. We never stay anywhere longer than 4 or 5 years, we pick up and start over with very little notice. Within that time we then start over. Make new friends, learn a new address, attend a new school and get a new circle of friends that constantly changes, after all even if you just got there odds are your friends are also military brats.
Nothing in the world wrong with that life. I loved it, I hated it, I survived it. We tend to focus on a broader sense of the word home. After all it can't be a house, those change too often, or even a place. Home for us is everywhere. I have friends in numerous states and countries because of the military and we still keep in contact sometimes. We value the friendships that last past a couple address changes and protect them with crazy determination. The joke is always Home is where the military sends us. Ha.
At some point though you hit that magical age where you lose your ID card and your status as an active brat. You have to make your own choices and grow up. This is where it got tricky, at least for me. For the first time in my life I was able to choose where I wanted to go next. So, I did and stayed in Athens for 8 and a half years earning it the town I have lived in the longest. My parents PCSed while I was in college so I didn't have my high school home and friends anymore when I visited. Then I graduated and decided I would make my roots, but as any military brat will tell you, settling down is easier said then done. I got antsy and was ready for a change. So, like I had before I picked up everything with very little notice and started over.
At a young age you are taught to adapt and overcome. It becomes our motto. Make it work. But as I sit in my great apartment on a lake in a city that I hate and a job...well, let's just say my heart longs for that sense of home again. After a bit of soul searching and a lot of crying I have figured out what home really is. It's where you heart never really leaves. It doesn't have to be a place, home can be a person. I went back to Athens yesterday for a visit and though things had changed over the year there were some parts I could just pick up on. Like someone had hit the pause button and I just fit right back in with it all. So, no home isn't a tangible thing, but it is something you can hold on to. That crazy teenager who can drive you nuts but you wouldn't want to be any different, or your best friend who will meet you at crazy restaurants and drive hours to watch movies with you, or even that former boss who buys you lunch to catch up and even that crazy best friend who texts you every day to see how your project is coming. Home is wherever we want. So, Macon will never be my home, but it's housing me for now.
Being a military brat is the best experience in the world. It makes you good at a number of things and it gives you an unquenchable desire for adventure, so to wherever I find home next!
As a military kid Home is a weird four letter word. Most kids have friends who they grew up with, have lived in the same house most of their lives, and have a very small tight circle of friends. These ideas are foreign to us. We never stay anywhere longer than 4 or 5 years, we pick up and start over with very little notice. Within that time we then start over. Make new friends, learn a new address, attend a new school and get a new circle of friends that constantly changes, after all even if you just got there odds are your friends are also military brats.
Nothing in the world wrong with that life. I loved it, I hated it, I survived it. We tend to focus on a broader sense of the word home. After all it can't be a house, those change too often, or even a place. Home for us is everywhere. I have friends in numerous states and countries because of the military and we still keep in contact sometimes. We value the friendships that last past a couple address changes and protect them with crazy determination. The joke is always Home is where the military sends us. Ha.
At some point though you hit that magical age where you lose your ID card and your status as an active brat. You have to make your own choices and grow up. This is where it got tricky, at least for me. For the first time in my life I was able to choose where I wanted to go next. So, I did and stayed in Athens for 8 and a half years earning it the town I have lived in the longest. My parents PCSed while I was in college so I didn't have my high school home and friends anymore when I visited. Then I graduated and decided I would make my roots, but as any military brat will tell you, settling down is easier said then done. I got antsy and was ready for a change. So, like I had before I picked up everything with very little notice and started over.
At a young age you are taught to adapt and overcome. It becomes our motto. Make it work. But as I sit in my great apartment on a lake in a city that I hate and a job...well, let's just say my heart longs for that sense of home again. After a bit of soul searching and a lot of crying I have figured out what home really is. It's where you heart never really leaves. It doesn't have to be a place, home can be a person. I went back to Athens yesterday for a visit and though things had changed over the year there were some parts I could just pick up on. Like someone had hit the pause button and I just fit right back in with it all. So, no home isn't a tangible thing, but it is something you can hold on to. That crazy teenager who can drive you nuts but you wouldn't want to be any different, or your best friend who will meet you at crazy restaurants and drive hours to watch movies with you, or even that former boss who buys you lunch to catch up and even that crazy best friend who texts you every day to see how your project is coming. Home is wherever we want. So, Macon will never be my home, but it's housing me for now.
Being a military brat is the best experience in the world. It makes you good at a number of things and it gives you an unquenchable desire for adventure, so to wherever I find home next!
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Don't Stay Lost
I have never really understood how anyone can "lose" themselves. I mean how exactly does that happen? You hear about it all the time, the folks who are so desperate for fame they "lose" sight of who they used to be. Your Selena Gomez's and your Miley Cyrus' who get caught up with boys and fame they somehow forget they used to be role models and normal kids. Good thing that only happens to famous people....right?
I had heard this expression a lot when I was in college. Everyone always talked about trying to "find" themselves. It always made me laugh. I mean, I'm sorry where exactly did you go? And is that normal? I never had that problem. I always knew exactly where I was going and where I had come from. I worked my tail end off to get into the University of Georgia and I knew where my dreams ended. The end. Then graduation day. For all you college grads who have entered this brave, crazy world in the last week or so, good luck. This, I have learned, is where my story really began to fall apart.
I have always been comfortable with who I am. I was never that girl who starved herself for boys or changed my habits to impress those other girls. I was simply a nerd in high school. I studied too much, and read too much, and preferred to hang out with my friends from the youth department then the kids in school. I was nice, but kept to myself. I was focused. Getting into UGA as an out of state student wasn't going to be easy and distractions were out of the question.
College was much the same. I had a small group of friends who have made my life very rich and have granted me nonstop story inspiration. I got my history degree and was ready to change the world. Funny how plans change. Four and a half years of higher education and I stayed in Athens in retail for an additional 3 years. Not part of my plan, but I was happy with where I was going. Until I wasn't.
So, I took off for a new adventure. Fearlessly charging where I thought God wanted me. I got a new job, new apartment, new dog. Now it was time to change the world. I did what was logical. When looking for a new job I didn't even let my eyes wander to those dream jobs I had always wondered about. I stuck with retail. After all, by this time I have almost 8 years of retail experience. It was, all together now, logical. I came with big promises and what I thought were my big dreams, but for the first time I understand what it means to "lose" oneself.
Suddenly, in this crazy (suckish) new town I was being asked to change everything about myself. This was the price of success. If I wanted to move on it was time to change. To grow up as it were. Now, I needed to wear my hair a certain way, dress and speak a certain way, who I could be friends with was determined by others even. I went along with it. I mean this is the dream right? This is what has to be done to see everything I've worked for come true. It is what is expected of me. I have people counting on me to move on, I want to make my parents proud, so this is what I have to do. I got so tangled in what other people thought, and wanted I "lost" sight of me.
I used to tell my teenagers that they should never change for anyone. That if they weren't good enough as is for that boy that boy wasn't good enough for them. I meant that. I never want my girls to settle, they are precious and deserve the very best. I used to tell them that God made them the way they were to be a perfect match for someone and that settling would rob them the joy God had planned for them. Great advice if I do say so myself, but one day I was getting ready, pulling my hair back in my new "grown up" do and I looked in the mirror and realized I didn't recognize the face looking back at me anymore. I was having a Mulan moment and it scared me a bit. I had made it through high school and college as Rachel, but now I was changing everything about me for a job I don't even know if I want anymore.
From that point I tried to change back to the girl I remembered, but every time I tried I was reminded how much progress I had made and that I wasn't a little girl anymore and I would cry silently and reapply the makeup. The sad part is I not only "lost" myself, I forgot who I even was anymore. I was given an opportunity to prove my worth and run the store. We got positive feedback, my staff scores were high, we were just under budget in most areas, I had good relations with the local churches, but I was overlooked. Not ready. Still just seeing the potential. Sorry, we know you befriended people we told you not to. Sorry, you're just too immature. I tried so hard to prove to them that I was worthy by their standards, but I lost track of what was important. God gave me special gifts that match with a perfect job and husband and settling for one could detract from the other and rob me of the joy God has planned for me. Believe me I trust God has a happily ever after for me, but I have to be me to find it.
After several months alone and plenty of time to think I think I am back on track to "finding" myself.
I am a daisy sniffing, chuck wearing, jean loving, diet pepsi addicted, ice cream consumer who loves Doctor Who, Sherlock, Castle, and so many more nerdy things. I count down the days until Dragon Con and will one day walk the halls of COmic COn. I love to read and write and learn. My car is a perfect picture of me, and I love to wear bows in my hair. I love singing really loudly, really badly and I am too independent for my own good sometimes. I think outside of your biological family your church family is the most important unit you can trust. I am Rachel Johnson and I have bigger dreams than those that have been decided for me. I want to be a screenwriter and that has never changed. So, this is me, taking charge of my life again. Putting myself out there by applying for a fellowship whose odds are not in my favor, but will require me to work my butt off to finish a script and begin building a portfolio. My office looks like a serial killer has set up base, but it's time to do something for me, to prove something to myself and not worry about anyone else.
I guess if there is any point to this it's this: always believe in the person God made you. For it is that person he has destined a future for. Never give up on the things that fill your heart with passion. For once I am going to take my own advice. Wish me luck!
I had heard this expression a lot when I was in college. Everyone always talked about trying to "find" themselves. It always made me laugh. I mean, I'm sorry where exactly did you go? And is that normal? I never had that problem. I always knew exactly where I was going and where I had come from. I worked my tail end off to get into the University of Georgia and I knew where my dreams ended. The end. Then graduation day. For all you college grads who have entered this brave, crazy world in the last week or so, good luck. This, I have learned, is where my story really began to fall apart.
I have always been comfortable with who I am. I was never that girl who starved herself for boys or changed my habits to impress those other girls. I was simply a nerd in high school. I studied too much, and read too much, and preferred to hang out with my friends from the youth department then the kids in school. I was nice, but kept to myself. I was focused. Getting into UGA as an out of state student wasn't going to be easy and distractions were out of the question.
College was much the same. I had a small group of friends who have made my life very rich and have granted me nonstop story inspiration. I got my history degree and was ready to change the world. Funny how plans change. Four and a half years of higher education and I stayed in Athens in retail for an additional 3 years. Not part of my plan, but I was happy with where I was going. Until I wasn't.
So, I took off for a new adventure. Fearlessly charging where I thought God wanted me. I got a new job, new apartment, new dog. Now it was time to change the world. I did what was logical. When looking for a new job I didn't even let my eyes wander to those dream jobs I had always wondered about. I stuck with retail. After all, by this time I have almost 8 years of retail experience. It was, all together now, logical. I came with big promises and what I thought were my big dreams, but for the first time I understand what it means to "lose" oneself.
Suddenly, in this crazy (suckish) new town I was being asked to change everything about myself. This was the price of success. If I wanted to move on it was time to change. To grow up as it were. Now, I needed to wear my hair a certain way, dress and speak a certain way, who I could be friends with was determined by others even. I went along with it. I mean this is the dream right? This is what has to be done to see everything I've worked for come true. It is what is expected of me. I have people counting on me to move on, I want to make my parents proud, so this is what I have to do. I got so tangled in what other people thought, and wanted I "lost" sight of me.
I used to tell my teenagers that they should never change for anyone. That if they weren't good enough as is for that boy that boy wasn't good enough for them. I meant that. I never want my girls to settle, they are precious and deserve the very best. I used to tell them that God made them the way they were to be a perfect match for someone and that settling would rob them the joy God had planned for them. Great advice if I do say so myself, but one day I was getting ready, pulling my hair back in my new "grown up" do and I looked in the mirror and realized I didn't recognize the face looking back at me anymore. I was having a Mulan moment and it scared me a bit. I had made it through high school and college as Rachel, but now I was changing everything about me for a job I don't even know if I want anymore.
From that point I tried to change back to the girl I remembered, but every time I tried I was reminded how much progress I had made and that I wasn't a little girl anymore and I would cry silently and reapply the makeup. The sad part is I not only "lost" myself, I forgot who I even was anymore. I was given an opportunity to prove my worth and run the store. We got positive feedback, my staff scores were high, we were just under budget in most areas, I had good relations with the local churches, but I was overlooked. Not ready. Still just seeing the potential. Sorry, we know you befriended people we told you not to. Sorry, you're just too immature. I tried so hard to prove to them that I was worthy by their standards, but I lost track of what was important. God gave me special gifts that match with a perfect job and husband and settling for one could detract from the other and rob me of the joy God has planned for me. Believe me I trust God has a happily ever after for me, but I have to be me to find it.
After several months alone and plenty of time to think I think I am back on track to "finding" myself.
I am a daisy sniffing, chuck wearing, jean loving, diet pepsi addicted, ice cream consumer who loves Doctor Who, Sherlock, Castle, and so many more nerdy things. I count down the days until Dragon Con and will one day walk the halls of COmic COn. I love to read and write and learn. My car is a perfect picture of me, and I love to wear bows in my hair. I love singing really loudly, really badly and I am too independent for my own good sometimes. I think outside of your biological family your church family is the most important unit you can trust. I am Rachel Johnson and I have bigger dreams than those that have been decided for me. I want to be a screenwriter and that has never changed. So, this is me, taking charge of my life again. Putting myself out there by applying for a fellowship whose odds are not in my favor, but will require me to work my butt off to finish a script and begin building a portfolio. My office looks like a serial killer has set up base, but it's time to do something for me, to prove something to myself and not worry about anyone else.
I guess if there is any point to this it's this: always believe in the person God made you. For it is that person he has destined a future for. Never give up on the things that fill your heart with passion. For once I am going to take my own advice. Wish me luck!
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