I have never really understood how anyone can "lose" themselves. I mean how exactly does that happen? You hear about it all the time, the folks who are so desperate for fame they "lose" sight of who they used to be. Your Selena Gomez's and your Miley Cyrus' who get caught up with boys and fame they somehow forget they used to be role models and normal kids. Good thing that only happens to famous people....right?
I had heard this expression a lot when I was in college. Everyone always talked about trying to "find" themselves. It always made me laugh. I mean, I'm sorry where exactly did you go? And is that normal? I never had that problem. I always knew exactly where I was going and where I had come from. I worked my tail end off to get into the University of Georgia and I knew where my dreams ended. The end. Then graduation day. For all you college grads who have entered this brave, crazy world in the last week or so, good luck. This, I have learned, is where my story really began to fall apart.
I have always been comfortable with who I am. I was never that girl who starved herself for boys or changed my habits to impress those other girls. I was simply a nerd in high school. I studied too much, and read too much, and preferred to hang out with my friends from the youth department then the kids in school. I was nice, but kept to myself. I was focused. Getting into UGA as an out of state student wasn't going to be easy and distractions were out of the question.
College was much the same. I had a small group of friends who have made my life very rich and have granted me nonstop story inspiration. I got my history degree and was ready to change the world. Funny how plans change. Four and a half years of higher education and I stayed in Athens in retail for an additional 3 years. Not part of my plan, but I was happy with where I was going. Until I wasn't.
So, I took off for a new adventure. Fearlessly charging where I thought God wanted me. I got a new job, new apartment, new dog. Now it was time to change the world. I did what was logical. When looking for a new job I didn't even let my eyes wander to those dream jobs I had always wondered about. I stuck with retail. After all, by this time I have almost 8 years of retail experience. It was, all together now, logical. I came with big promises and what I thought were my big dreams, but for the first time I understand what it means to "lose" oneself.
Suddenly, in this crazy (suckish) new town I was being asked to change everything about myself. This was the price of success. If I wanted to move on it was time to change. To grow up as it were. Now, I needed to wear my hair a certain way, dress and speak a certain way, who I could be friends with was determined by others even. I went along with it. I mean this is the dream right? This is what has to be done to see everything I've worked for come true. It is what is expected of me. I have people counting on me to move on, I want to make my parents proud, so this is what I have to do. I got so tangled in what other people thought, and wanted I "lost" sight of me.
I used to tell my teenagers that they should never change for anyone. That if they weren't good enough as is for that boy that boy wasn't good enough for them. I meant that. I never want my girls to settle, they are precious and deserve the very best. I used to tell them that God made them the way they were to be a perfect match for someone and that settling would rob them the joy God had planned for them. Great advice if I do say so myself, but one day I was getting ready, pulling my hair back in my new "grown up" do and I looked in the mirror and realized I didn't recognize the face looking back at me anymore. I was having a Mulan moment and it scared me a bit. I had made it through high school and college as Rachel, but now I was changing everything about me for a job I don't even know if I want anymore.
From that point I tried to change back to the girl I remembered, but every time I tried I was reminded how much progress I had made and that I wasn't a little girl anymore and I would cry silently and reapply the makeup. The sad part is I not only "lost" myself, I forgot who I even was anymore. I was given an opportunity to prove my worth and run the store. We got positive feedback, my staff scores were high, we were just under budget in most areas, I had good relations with the local churches, but I was overlooked. Not ready. Still just seeing the potential. Sorry, we know you befriended people we told you not to. Sorry, you're just too immature. I tried so hard to prove to them that I was worthy by their standards, but I lost track of what was important. God gave me special gifts that match with a perfect job and husband and settling for one could detract from the other and rob me of the joy God has planned for me. Believe me I trust God has a happily ever after for me, but I have to be me to find it.
After several months alone and plenty of time to think I think I am back on track to "finding" myself.
I am a daisy sniffing, chuck wearing, jean loving, diet pepsi addicted, ice cream consumer who loves Doctor Who, Sherlock, Castle, and so many more nerdy things. I count down the days until Dragon Con and will one day walk the halls of COmic COn. I love to read and write and learn. My car is a perfect picture of me, and I love to wear bows in my hair. I love singing really loudly, really badly and I am too independent for my own good sometimes. I think outside of your biological family your church family is the most important unit you can trust. I am Rachel Johnson and I have bigger dreams than those that have been decided for me. I want to be a screenwriter and that has never changed. So, this is me, taking charge of my life again. Putting myself out there by applying for a fellowship whose odds are not in my favor, but will require me to work my butt off to finish a script and begin building a portfolio. My office looks like a serial killer has set up base, but it's time to do something for me, to prove something to myself and not worry about anyone else.
I guess if there is any point to this it's this: always believe in the person God made you. For it is that person he has destined a future for. Never give up on the things that fill your heart with passion. For once I am going to take my own advice. Wish me luck!
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